Word of the Day: Dreams

Last night I had a dream with you in it. It was eery and comforting all in one. You were laying in the hospital bed, lifeless and still.  Uncle Kurt plugged your nose and you turned over in annoyance. You looked at him with irritation on your face. While your eyes were briefly open you caught glimpse of me. I was holding your hand. You did a double take. Then turned back over and said, " You're here." Almost in disbelief. Everyone in the room disappeared except you and I. "Of course I'm here." You kept trying to leave the hospital but I wouldn't let you. I kept telling you that you had to stay. You had to stay because you died. You didn't believe me and kept trying to rip out your IVs. I left and came back. You were sitting on the hospital bed. The counter had broken mini bottles of liquor on it. I kept saying " What the fuck Joe? Seriously? Really? You just died! Why are you drinking?!" All you could say was "They knew I needed it." You said it over and over. All of a sudden we were standing outside somewhere. I was telling you that you had to prove yourself. You had to stay sober. You HAD to show me that I could trust you again. You HAD to show me that you wouldn't die on me again. You started saying "I have to go. Im going. I have to go to Illinois." Confused, I yelled at you asking why Illinois?! All you said was "rehab." And you left. I felt alone again. Then I was in the woods trying to move small trees that had fallen. They were laying on the wrong side of something so we had to move them to the correct side. I saw a peacock and wanted some of its feathers. Skip ahead and I was walking into a room. I was holding two peacock feathers. I spotted a big bird in the hallway so I closed the door really fast. Then woke up.

We buried you a year ago today. I remember feeling empty that day. I instantly hated every feeling I had. I remember sitting in the church pew and being asked if I wanted to stand up and say anything. I shook my head because all I could do was cry when I thought about saying anything out loud. I remember being upset that it was you leaving this world when it should have been Jake. I wanted to kill him and his girlfriend. I wanted all of their loved ones to feel the sadness and extreme heartbreak that I felt. At your wake I couldn't believe that they had the guts to show up. I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine never hearing your voice again. What was I going to do without you? What was your mom going to do without you? How were we going to go on without your beautiful soul?

I miss you every single day. Every. Day. I miss you. Please continue to visit me in my dreams please.

Word of the Day: Wish

There is nothing I want more than to be able to go back to 2009 and figure out what the hell went wrong. I wish I could go back and make myself realize what you were and I'd make you realize how important I was to your life. I wouldnt let you let me go because I can see now that it wasnt the right choice. A friend posted a photo on facebook tonight that said "Dont visit me now that Im dead. I needed you when I was alive." Aint that the truth. You needed me and though I never admitted it before, i needed you. Just knowing that you were always a phone call away was like a little security blanket. I miss you. I miss knowing that you were off being reckless somewhere or out making an old persons life better because you helped them smile that day or feeding the girls junk food or driving someone crazy. No matter how hard I try to make myself believe this isnt my fault, I know that it is in a small way. If i would have been there for you when you needed me you wouldnt be gone. If I wouldnt have kept you a secret you wouldnt be gone. If you go back and look at my phone records for november, december, january and some of february your phone number is the one that shows up the most. I hate that I let myself lose touch with you so many times. I hate that I didnt do what I knew was the right thing. I should have came back to you when you wanted me. I should have let you come rescue me. I wish you would have never told me that you were going to try that. I wish you would have just done it. I wish you were at wheatland this weekend. I wish you were breathing. I wish I could hear you say my name again because it only ever sounded right coming from you. I wish I could change so many things. I resent anthony now because I know that you would be alive if I wouldnt have married him. I know that I could have stopped you from being reckless. I would have been able to convince you to not hang out with Jake because he has always been bad news. Youre the one thing that has changed my life dramatically at different times. Scotty said that nobody will ever love me the way you did. He said that all you ever asked about was me and that he thought you were creepy and all I could say back was that you were sincere. Literally everything makes me thing of you Joe. I can look at a crack in the sidewalk and think "Joe used to fill cracks in the parking lot at the Delta Plex." I cant look at enough photos of you because they're not who I remember. I dont remember always seeing your face. I remember hearing your voice randomly because you called me after leaving the bar. I remember getting a text message or two at random because something made you think of me hard enought to tell me about it. I remember turning to you when I truly needed someone. I remember accidentally skyping with you because my mom skyped me while you were there. I remember feeling so guilty because I missed you just then. I remember you telling me that your favorite thing in the world was to make me happy. Most times thats probably just a line but I know that you meant it. Nobody has ever or will ever treat me the way you did. You know what I am happy about though... I am happy that although we had some really rough patches we never ever hated each other. You know what I am sad about though? I am sad that I didnt take advantage of your love. I didnt. I was selfish. Everyone always kept me updated on your life Joe. I always knew what you were up to and who you were up to somehow. I believe that Amber was sent into your life so she could share with Lacie everything that went on and then Lacie shared it with me. Amber came into your life so that I would hear about you more in your last months. My god I regret not going to your moms and drinking beer with you and Andy on the third. Im so pissed at myself. But you know what, I am SO happy I went to your house last fall. I am so glad we had the chance to sit down and eat eggs and go through our things. Im so glad we decided not to throw them away. "In case we need them again." Boy, we didnt see this one coming. Why did you have to die though? Why couldnt it have been Jake? Wow that is cruel of me to say but youre a much better man than he is. You did good things wit your sober time. You helped people. You made the world a little bit better of a place. And I loved you. I loved you. There wasnt a time that I didn't. I think that I am really on top of my life but really lets be honest. Im not. I am a hot fucking mess. I dont know what I am doing. I dont know what I want. I dont want to be sad anymore. I want you back. I dont want to live pissed because of my husband. I dont want to resent him. I dont want him to suffer because of my unstable mind. I dont want to suffer either. Im tired of being angry with anthony. Im tired of being annoyed at something. Anything. I just want to be happy and I literally dont know how because I dont know what I want. How fucked is that? I dont know how to have what I want because who fucking knows what that is. I wish you were here to tell me im not happy. I wish you could slap me in the face with your words of truth and make me act upon them. I wish I could run away. I dont want obligations. I dont want responsibility. I dont want to be sad anymore. It wearing on my soul. I miss you and I wish you could help me. I wish there were some way to help me. You were my best friend. My first love. My soul mate. God damn you were above all my soul mate. And youre gone. Why you? Because shitty things happen to good people. And you were the best person.

June 18. Word of the Day: Support.

      Well, I haven't had a chance to write anything within the past couple of weeks. Since my last entry I have packed, cleaned, and moved out of our apartment in California and driven to Michigan. My mother in-law flew out to California and helped me clean and pack, then she drove back here with me. Many people were taken back by this, but we had a great time. I invited her to come along because I knew she would drive safe and have a good time! Anthony has really married his mother. Anyway, I've been back in Michigan for about five days now. It feels like I am visiting because I have been sleeping on couches and all of my clothes are in totes in the trunk of my car. Its weird. 

      Anthony has been deployed for nearly a month. He doesn't exactly love it in Japan, but it is better than Afghanistan! I think he slightly wishes he were at war instead of doing a training MEU. This time is way different than the last. I have not sent him any packages because he can purchase basically everything that he needs or wants. I have sent him a couple postcards but no letters. We have Skyped once or twice and we talk on Facebook messenger almost daily. It really doesn't even seem like he is deployed. He is currently upset with me because I missed a Skype date. I feel extremely bad for missing it, but I definitely did not miss it on purpose. It makes me really upset that he is treating me like I ditched him. I try my hardest to be understanding about everything he does and says because deployment causes a lot of stress on both him and I. I would rather not argue when we only get to talk a little bit. I also try not to be a push-over though too because I don't want him to get used to that. Deployment definitely pulls on strings that you didn't even know were there before. 

     I have moved home for the next two years. I am going to complete my bachelors while Anthony is still in the Marine Corps. He has two years left until he can re-enlist or get out. If he chooses to get out I would like to have a degree under my belt so I can find a good job/career to support us while he is figuring out what he wants to do. A lot of people have given me grief for moving back to Michigan to go to school. I try to ignore them, but boy is it difficult. When Anthony and I are around each other, we have no motivation. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it is 110% true. If I were to go to school in California, I wouldn't have the motivation to get a quality education. And, I have always wanted to graduate from Western Michigan University. It is a dream of mine. Anthony is upset that I have moved home to go back to school. He is trying to be supportive of my dream, because I have been supportive of his, but it is turning out to be slightly more difficult than he thought. The next two years of our life together is going to be interesting. We are going to have to be stronger than people think we are. We are going to have to love each other through the rough and into the smooth. 

    Supporting each other has been one of the hardest things for us to learn to do. I was so against the  idea of Anthony joining the Marine Corps when we first got together. He hated who I was when I was at Western for the first year. Yet, somehow we grew past all of that and we made things work. I have supported him throughout the past 3 years of him being a Marine. He has supported me in my complicated journey through college. We have grown up a lot since we first met. There are times that we have had a hard time being positive, but we've done it. We have climbed the mountains together and created a marriage that is much more than we expected. The love we have is different, but we've always known that. If we can continue to be supportive and loving throughout the next two years, everything will be just fine. 

I'm confident!

May 25. Word of the Day: Home.

Originally this post was going to be about where I work and what I do, but I had about two paragraphs done and found it to be bland. I guess that is a story for another time. I feel I need to tell you a little about my home. I am the youngest girl out of 7 and we have 1 little brother. It is kind of a Brady Bunch situation. When my mom and dad got together my mom had 4 girls and my dad had 2. Then they had me and then they had my brother. So we all come in pairs. My moms two oldest daughters were raised by their dad about an hour south of us, so we didn't see them much. My dads two oldest were raised in the town next to ours so we saw them pretty often. The rest of us grew up together. My brother and I were born in the house we all grew up in. It was nothing special but it was ours. My dad renovated it many times so over the course of just under 30 years it changed a lot. We lived on a dirt road in the country on about 3 acres of land. The yard was shaded by trees, yet had enough space to drive a truck through. We had the biggest fire pit of everyone we know. At the back of the house was a pool, a homemade outhouse, and my dad's barn. There was always something to do. Even when us kids would say, "I'm bored", my parents would find something for us to do. Whether it be raking leaves, cleaning our rooms, hauling wood with dad, pulling weeds from the garden, shoveling snow, etc...you get the idea. Basically, you never wanted to utter those two words or you'd end up working. We all had chores that varied throughout the week. Most of the time we weren't allowed to do anything enjoyable until after our chores were finished. Now that I look back on it, my parents rarely asked about homework. You would think they wouldn't have let us do anything until our homework AND chores were finished. Anyway, it was home. A perfect one.

When I was in middle school my parents started talking about moving because they wanted more land and blah blah blah. Well, me being a moody teenage girl told them that I would chain myself to the pipes of the sink before they would get me to move somewhere. (I wouldn't have but it seemed like a good threat.) It never happened. The thought of moving from that house seemed impossible. There was way too much history there. I graduated in 2009 which was also the first year of my life that I lived somewhere other than that house. Since then I have lived in four different apartments, all of which never felt like home. Last year after my brother graduated high school my parents decided it was time to find a new, smaller place since there weren't anymore kids to raise. My brother was still at home, but my parents were ready to get away from him. They found a little house not far from the old one and they bought it. When my mom called me to tell me that they were moving I was not surprised, but I was heartbroken. My childhood home was put up for sale. The next time I would go back to Michigan my home would not be mine anymore. It was the weirdest feeling. Needless to say I wasn't excited to go home to a different house.

My parents let my brother stay in the old house. He found some buddies to help pay bills and partied down all summer and into the fall. When I say partied down I mean, the parties he was throwing were legendary. There were people that would come from cities that were an hour or more away. My sisters would text me about how they were concerned that he was going to get in trouble with the law since my minor brother was hosting parties full of minors with all the booze and pot you could ask for. I was pissed at him for ruining my home. When I went home in September my first night there was spent being the only adult figure at one of his parties. I think I went back maybe twice that entire 3 week trip. It was too much for me to handle. Seeing these people put cigarettes out on my living room floor or spilling beer all over the downstairs floor, it infuriated me. I told my dad how I felt and that was that, I never spoke about it again to my family.

As the season changed into winter I began to get a little worried that my brother and his friends weren't going to stay warm since the house was heated by a wood stove and my brother was too lazy to chop wood. My dad ensured me that they were all fine and he was helping teach my brother how to run the house. See, my dad made the house what it was so he could sense when something was wrong. He could tell that the pipes were frozen before ever turning on the water. He knew when the fire in the wood stove was low by the smell of the air coming from the vents. It was his and he was the only one that knew every nook and cranny. I was unable to go home for Christmas, so I ended up Skyping with my family on Christmas Eve. Another weird experience for me. Not only was it my first Christmas away from my family, but it was the first Christmas not in the house I grew up in. Every year my mom hired the same Santa to visit on Christmas Eve to give us each one present. It was a magical time of year and our house always felt even more magical. This year, I Skyped my family as they sat in my dad's man cave basement and waited for Santa. Bullshit. Definitely not magical. I did the same on New Year. 2012 wrapped up to be a very interesting year for my home.

On the morning of February 6th 2013 I received a phone call at 4 am my time, which would be 7 am Michigan time. At first I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. Then when it called again I answered because I got that gut feeling it was important, especially at that hour. It was my mom. I could tell something was wrong almost immediately. Her first words to me were, "Its gone Frank. Its gone. Scotts fine but the house is gone." I shot straight up in my bed in a panic. What?! What do you mean the house is gone?! Did Scotty get out okay? Did he have any friends there? Did they get out okay? Did his dog get out? Did he have time to save anything? What do you mean its gone? How? She continued to tell me that a volunteer fireman at work (also the man that played our yearly Santa) yelled to her that Scotty's house was on fire. She followed him out to the house to find the whole thing engulfed in flames. Heartbroken I started crying and asked to talk to my brother. He started crying again when he heard me crying. He told me that he was sleeping and woke up to the smell of smoke thinking it was the wood stove. He got out of bed and opened the door to the wood room only to see that it was ablaze. Immediately he went and woke his friends up and told the girls to get outside as the guys tried to put the fire out with pans and buckets of water. Eventually he noticed that it was inside of the wall and there was no way they were going to put it out. So they all ran outside to the mailbox. (This was the meeting place our parents had taught us to go to if there was ever a fire.) Scotty told me that he realized all of his important documents were in the house so he ran back in to get them. I replied with, "That was risky! But good thinking." I was just happy that he was all in one piece and alive. Actually, I was relieved. I talked to my mom again and we just continued to cry on the phone together. I wanted to catch the next flight home to be with my family. Anthony was currently training so I was all alone. Once I got off the phone with my mom I texted four of my sisters, since I couldn't call them all at once. Lacie responded right away, Bryn was already at the house and sent me a picture, Courtney never responded, and Jody's phone was broken so she was unreachable. It was the most heartbreaking morning. I went to work feeling tired, lonely, depressed, and saddened. I just wanted to go home.

One of my best friends called me and was telling me how sometimes things that happen may seem like a disaster, but in reality they are a blessing in disguise. For a minute I didn't want to believe her, but deep down I knew it was true. Now, my brother couldn't ruin it anymore. My dad wouldn't have to worry about what was going on there. The bills were gone. This house being gone made room for the new house to be more of a home. She was right. I still get sad when I think about it. I move home in a few weeks and I won't have this place to call my home. I don't think I will ever go back there. The house has been bulldozed and they are making way for something else. Whatever it is, it won't be the same. It won't feel like my home. This post is the first time I have talked about the fire in a long time. It feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks guys.
        

May 23. Word of the day: Year.

I plan to start blogging either daily or a couple days a week. I have not ever blogged before so I am excited to see how this impacts my life. I used to write all the time when I was in high school, but for some reason I stopped and just recently I have found myself missing it. So, here goes nothing. This time last year I was just settling in here in California. My husband and I had moved here from Michigan. He is in the Marine Corps so in all actuality he had been out here for about 2 years before I made the move. We got married on April 20th of last year. It is weird to think that we have been married for just over a year and I have been thousands of miles away from my family and friends for a year. This past year has been one of the hardest, yet rewarding of my entire 21 years of life.

A little back story about my husband and I... Anthony was a junior when I was a senior in high school. We met in a forensics class in 2009. He was the slacker kid that always had headphones in his ears. He had long, dark, perfect spiral curly hair, light brown skin, dark brown eyes, perfect kissing lips and his clothes never fit too tight. I was not popular, but I knew everyone in the small school that we went to and I had many friends from all the different cliques. He was definitely not what my friends would have expected me to talk to, let alone date. One day in class we were told to pick partners for a duo. We had to pick someone we had not worked with before. Anthony pointed to me and cocked his head to the side. I already had a partner, so I told him I'd be his partner next time. And that was the end of it.

I went a couple weeks without talking to him. Over those couple weeks I found myself observing him in the hall, in class, after class, etc. I would find myself trying to find him in all the chaos after the last bell of the day rung. I didn't tell anyone I was secretly attracted to him. I was in the drama club with his best friend, so one day I decided to ask for Anthony's number. His friend told me not to call him because he's an asshole. I brushed it off and took the number anyway. Earlier that day Anthony and I had decided to be partners for the upcoming duos in class, so I tried to talk myself into thinking that it was purely for practice reasons. But deep down I had to talk to him. I had to. So, after school I called. I let it ring and ring, nobody answered so I hung up. A little relieved that nobody answered I finally took a breath. Then my phone rang. It was Anthony. Long story short, we talked all night...every night for at least a month. We were together before and after school. Lips locked and holding hands almost the entire time. This boy was irresistible.

We have been together ever since. We have had some rough times but...for the most part we have been together. So anyway, this entire past year has been the wildest ride in our relationship. We have been thousands of miles away from our family. I didn't have any friends here until last November and he only has work friends... so to say the least it has been interesting. I cannot express enough how much I love my husband. He has taught me so much about how to care for someone more than you care about yourself. He has given me the opportunity to be a more loving person in more ways than one. I am grateful for this. I am grateful for him.

For the majority of the next year in our marriage he will be deployed. Then for the next year and a half after that I will be finishing my bachelors in Michigan and he will still be in California. The next years will be hard for us but I have faith that we are strong enough to conquer this mountain. I will continue tomorrow. -Victoria