Last night I had a dream with you in it. It was eery and comforting all in one. You were laying in the hospital bed, lifeless and still. Uncle Kurt plugged your nose and you turned over in annoyance. You looked at him with irritation on your face. While your eyes were briefly open you caught glimpse of me. I was holding your hand. You did a double take. Then turned back over and said, " You're here." Almost in disbelief. Everyone in the room disappeared except you and I. "Of course I'm here." You kept trying to leave the hospital but I wouldn't let you. I kept telling you that you had to stay. You had to stay because you died. You didn't believe me and kept trying to rip out your IVs. I left and came back. You were sitting on the hospital bed. The counter had broken mini bottles of liquor on it. I kept saying " What the fuck Joe? Seriously? Really? You just died! Why are you drinking?!" All you could say was "They knew I needed it." You said it over and over. All of a sudden we were standing outside somewhere. I was telling you that you had to prove yourself. You had to stay sober. You HAD to show me that I could trust you again. You HAD to show me that you wouldn't die on me again. You started saying "I have to go. Im going. I have to go to Illinois." Confused, I yelled at you asking why Illinois?! All you said was "rehab." And you left. I felt alone again. Then I was in the woods trying to move small trees that had fallen. They were laying on the wrong side of something so we had to move them to the correct side. I saw a peacock and wanted some of its feathers. Skip ahead and I was walking into a room. I was holding two peacock feathers. I spotted a big bird in the hallway so I closed the door really fast. Then woke up.
We buried you a year ago today. I remember feeling empty that day. I instantly hated every feeling I had. I remember sitting in the church pew and being asked if I wanted to stand up and say anything. I shook my head because all I could do was cry when I thought about saying anything out loud. I remember being upset that it was you leaving this world when it should have been Jake. I wanted to kill him and his girlfriend. I wanted all of their loved ones to feel the sadness and extreme heartbreak that I felt. At your wake I couldn't believe that they had the guts to show up. I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine never hearing your voice again. What was I going to do without you? What was your mom going to do without you? How were we going to go on without your beautiful soul?
I miss you every single day. Every. Day. I miss you. Please continue to visit me in my dreams please.
