Word of the Day: Wish

There is nothing I want more than to be able to go back to 2009 and figure out what the hell went wrong. I wish I could go back and make myself realize what you were and I'd make you realize how important I was to your life. I wouldnt let you let me go because I can see now that it wasnt the right choice. A friend posted a photo on facebook tonight that said "Dont visit me now that Im dead. I needed you when I was alive." Aint that the truth. You needed me and though I never admitted it before, i needed you. Just knowing that you were always a phone call away was like a little security blanket. I miss you. I miss knowing that you were off being reckless somewhere or out making an old persons life better because you helped them smile that day or feeding the girls junk food or driving someone crazy. No matter how hard I try to make myself believe this isnt my fault, I know that it is in a small way. If i would have been there for you when you needed me you wouldnt be gone. If I wouldnt have kept you a secret you wouldnt be gone. If you go back and look at my phone records for november, december, january and some of february your phone number is the one that shows up the most. I hate that I let myself lose touch with you so many times. I hate that I didnt do what I knew was the right thing. I should have came back to you when you wanted me. I should have let you come rescue me. I wish you would have never told me that you were going to try that. I wish you would have just done it. I wish you were at wheatland this weekend. I wish you were breathing. I wish I could hear you say my name again because it only ever sounded right coming from you. I wish I could change so many things. I resent anthony now because I know that you would be alive if I wouldnt have married him. I know that I could have stopped you from being reckless. I would have been able to convince you to not hang out with Jake because he has always been bad news. Youre the one thing that has changed my life dramatically at different times. Scotty said that nobody will ever love me the way you did. He said that all you ever asked about was me and that he thought you were creepy and all I could say back was that you were sincere. Literally everything makes me thing of you Joe. I can look at a crack in the sidewalk and think "Joe used to fill cracks in the parking lot at the Delta Plex." I cant look at enough photos of you because they're not who I remember. I dont remember always seeing your face. I remember hearing your voice randomly because you called me after leaving the bar. I remember getting a text message or two at random because something made you think of me hard enought to tell me about it. I remember turning to you when I truly needed someone. I remember accidentally skyping with you because my mom skyped me while you were there. I remember feeling so guilty because I missed you just then. I remember you telling me that your favorite thing in the world was to make me happy. Most times thats probably just a line but I know that you meant it. Nobody has ever or will ever treat me the way you did. You know what I am happy about though... I am happy that although we had some really rough patches we never ever hated each other. You know what I am sad about though? I am sad that I didnt take advantage of your love. I didnt. I was selfish. Everyone always kept me updated on your life Joe. I always knew what you were up to and who you were up to somehow. I believe that Amber was sent into your life so she could share with Lacie everything that went on and then Lacie shared it with me. Amber came into your life so that I would hear about you more in your last months. My god I regret not going to your moms and drinking beer with you and Andy on the third. Im so pissed at myself. But you know what, I am SO happy I went to your house last fall. I am so glad we had the chance to sit down and eat eggs and go through our things. Im so glad we decided not to throw them away. "In case we need them again." Boy, we didnt see this one coming. Why did you have to die though? Why couldnt it have been Jake? Wow that is cruel of me to say but youre a much better man than he is. You did good things wit your sober time. You helped people. You made the world a little bit better of a place. And I loved you. I loved you. There wasnt a time that I didn't. I think that I am really on top of my life but really lets be honest. Im not. I am a hot fucking mess. I dont know what I am doing. I dont know what I want. I dont want to be sad anymore. I want you back. I dont want to live pissed because of my husband. I dont want to resent him. I dont want him to suffer because of my unstable mind. I dont want to suffer either. Im tired of being angry with anthony. Im tired of being annoyed at something. Anything. I just want to be happy and I literally dont know how because I dont know what I want. How fucked is that? I dont know how to have what I want because who fucking knows what that is. I wish you were here to tell me im not happy. I wish you could slap me in the face with your words of truth and make me act upon them. I wish I could run away. I dont want obligations. I dont want responsibility. I dont want to be sad anymore. It wearing on my soul. I miss you and I wish you could help me. I wish there were some way to help me. You were my best friend. My first love. My soul mate. God damn you were above all my soul mate. And youre gone. Why you? Because shitty things happen to good people. And you were the best person.

June 18. Word of the Day: Support.

      Well, I haven't had a chance to write anything within the past couple of weeks. Since my last entry I have packed, cleaned, and moved out of our apartment in California and driven to Michigan. My mother in-law flew out to California and helped me clean and pack, then she drove back here with me. Many people were taken back by this, but we had a great time. I invited her to come along because I knew she would drive safe and have a good time! Anthony has really married his mother. Anyway, I've been back in Michigan for about five days now. It feels like I am visiting because I have been sleeping on couches and all of my clothes are in totes in the trunk of my car. Its weird. 

      Anthony has been deployed for nearly a month. He doesn't exactly love it in Japan, but it is better than Afghanistan! I think he slightly wishes he were at war instead of doing a training MEU. This time is way different than the last. I have not sent him any packages because he can purchase basically everything that he needs or wants. I have sent him a couple postcards but no letters. We have Skyped once or twice and we talk on Facebook messenger almost daily. It really doesn't even seem like he is deployed. He is currently upset with me because I missed a Skype date. I feel extremely bad for missing it, but I definitely did not miss it on purpose. It makes me really upset that he is treating me like I ditched him. I try my hardest to be understanding about everything he does and says because deployment causes a lot of stress on both him and I. I would rather not argue when we only get to talk a little bit. I also try not to be a push-over though too because I don't want him to get used to that. Deployment definitely pulls on strings that you didn't even know were there before. 

     I have moved home for the next two years. I am going to complete my bachelors while Anthony is still in the Marine Corps. He has two years left until he can re-enlist or get out. If he chooses to get out I would like to have a degree under my belt so I can find a good job/career to support us while he is figuring out what he wants to do. A lot of people have given me grief for moving back to Michigan to go to school. I try to ignore them, but boy is it difficult. When Anthony and I are around each other, we have no motivation. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it is 110% true. If I were to go to school in California, I wouldn't have the motivation to get a quality education. And, I have always wanted to graduate from Western Michigan University. It is a dream of mine. Anthony is upset that I have moved home to go back to school. He is trying to be supportive of my dream, because I have been supportive of his, but it is turning out to be slightly more difficult than he thought. The next two years of our life together is going to be interesting. We are going to have to be stronger than people think we are. We are going to have to love each other through the rough and into the smooth. 

    Supporting each other has been one of the hardest things for us to learn to do. I was so against the  idea of Anthony joining the Marine Corps when we first got together. He hated who I was when I was at Western for the first year. Yet, somehow we grew past all of that and we made things work. I have supported him throughout the past 3 years of him being a Marine. He has supported me in my complicated journey through college. We have grown up a lot since we first met. There are times that we have had a hard time being positive, but we've done it. We have climbed the mountains together and created a marriage that is much more than we expected. The love we have is different, but we've always known that. If we can continue to be supportive and loving throughout the next two years, everything will be just fine. 

I'm confident!